We have been Bunny Rabbit Christians for too long. We have been the devil's little pet which he can cuddle and lull to sleep in his arms. We have apologized for being too religious and are scared to stand up for God or be called a fanatic.
Jesus was a radical. He openly proclaimed the truth, and sometimes it was so hard that the very crowds that followed him turned back. Let the dead bury the dead!!! Let's follow Him.
This is not a cheerleading session! Some of us are no more a danger to the devil and the forces of evil than a folded paper fan to a brick house. Get the trash and filth off of your hard drives and rub those evil cd roms on the pavement and then get on your knees and ask the Lord to forgive you.
Get out of those newsgroups that keep you up all night and keep you out of the prayer closet. Yes YOU, that is reading this. How do you expect to be used of God when you can't even crucify your own flesh? God has a mighty work for you to do but the devil has beaten you up so bad that you would have to lift yourself up just to get close to a kneeling position.
The demons, and the dark forces of hell mock you and taunt you for your frivilous attempts to share the gospel. What's that you got in your hand? Well it's supposed to be the Sword of the Spirit. You know what I mean.
Don't even think about making excuses, God knows what you've been up to. It's time you did a lot of deleting and repenting. You're in dangerous territory dude. Samson was leading Isreal and he was always seen coming from the prostitutes homes. He paid with his eyes though.
Yes, this is the internet, and you are in your own home, and noone can see you. It's just the same as if you went to that xrated movie that your schoolmates went to but you didn't because you had Ok, enough said. If you want help overcoming these sex sins, then write me. If you want to stay here and LURK, without being seen, then I pray the Lord has mercy on you. I know it's hard to do this, but victory comes through fasting and prayer and the power of the Holy Spirit to break the chains of demonic bondage.
Chose ye this day whom you will serve...
PS: Don't bother flaming me, 'cuz I'll tell you I was talking to the Christians, and don't tell me I'm wasting bandwidth because you know as well as I do how much room these graphics take up.
Intelligent discussions will be entertained though if you wish.
Regards.
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PPS (Porn Prayer Support)
http://www.familyville.com/jesusco/PPS
Reynold M. de Guzman
jesusco@familyville.com
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Since you didn't say anything about your religious background I am not sure what sort of religious advice you are seeking. (I presume you are seeking religious advice since you posted to soc.religion.christian.)
I am a Roman Catholic. I am only 24, very inexperienced about just anything. Anyway, according to traditional RC teachings, all sorts of temptation can be overcome by God's grace. To put it in practical terms, there are few things you can do:
Pray persistently: prayer is a source of strength from God, and by constant, earnest, and true-hearted prayer you become closer to God. Prayer is also an effective channel for God's grace to come to your heart.
Persistent prayer doesn't mean prolonged and draggy prayer. It means more frequent prayers.
One particular prayer form Catholics like to take is the Rosary. Both the teaching from the RC church and my personal experience found that this is an *exceptionally effective* weapon against Satan. By saying daily Rosary you can be transformed --- to a degree even yourself would not believe. But be persistent. The key is not only prayer, but persistent, non-stop prayer.
- Attending Mass: Mass is the perfect form of prayer, according to Catholics. If possible, attend daily Mass (not just Sunday). If you are not Catholics, you may like to ask the parish priest whether you are eligible for taking Eucharist.
- Read the Bible daily. Don't just read and that's it. Be more enthusiastic about it, check out and read some more commentary, etc. Make sure you understand it.
- Do more charity work.
- Be more active in more Christian activities.
Whatever you do, do it with persistency. It's no doubt that you could still benefit from just doing it for a short time, but to battle Satan is a life-time process. In other words, if you start to cool down in prayer etc, your distance with God is lengthen gradually and this is a good chance for Satan to come back to you with full power, to drag you to sin again.
I try to be brief here. If you don't believe in Catholicism, I am quite certain this is rubbish for you. Anyway, that's all I know about battling with Satan. The basic idea is to approach God more, and automatically you will banish Satan away. Please let me be a bit long-winded: be persistent. Don't expect things would turn out fine in one or two days --- personally I found that the combination of daily Rosary and frequent Mass (more than 1 per week) starts to take effect of improving oneself after a period of around 2 weeks. Also, if you fall again, *never* give up. Battling Satan is a life-long war. There bounds to be some winnings and losings. Keep going on.
Anyway, should you be interested in further details, I am more than willing to provide more information. You'll be in my prayer also.God bless you.
PS I do not even have a girlfriend, so I am not sure whether it is a wise move to discuss your problem with your wife. In any case, it is possible that you may like to seek non-religious advice such as going to a psychologist. If one is really obsessed with such matters maybe one needs also a practical aid besides spiritual one.
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I've been married for 10 years now and have struggled sexually much longer than that. I've gone to see a counselor several times....church on a regular basis...talked it over with Christian friends (some who have struggled as I have) read many books articles etc and nothing seems to help....
I have accepted Jesus in my life, but I'm not as close as I want to be, I guess I'm in the learning mode. My wife helps all she can, but these tendancies haven't gone away.
I don't know what your 'other sexual struggles' are, but I think the bottom line is that no one can REALLY help us but US!! Sure, counselors can try to examine you and analyze your life from the day you were born, and tell you 'This is why you are the way you are!' .....big deal....what good does that do??? If I still continue to feel the way I've felt for most of my life, telling my WHY I feel that way doesn't do anything to stop me from continuing to feel that way.
..I don't think I've helped you. As a matter of fact, I think I just needed to vent to someone...so thanks for listening.
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I'm 37 with a wife and no kids. God saved me from my sexual obsessions ( I lived for the weekend hunt ) by breaking my back ( I'm now a paraplegic ). He knew I would eventually come to him. I tried to find new ways to satisfy my sexual desires through porn and drugs. Then I accepted Jesus and was Baptized.
I have tried to stop cold turkey, and other ways but am overwhelmed.
Don't try to take this on yourself. Just remind yourself that God is giving you some kind of lesson. Don't worry. Have faith that all will be worked out. There are some steps that you should follow ( this worked for me ).
I just recently went through a relapse in a new form. Network porn obtained through the various news groups. Realize that with all our good intentions that we are unable to resist sin without the help of the Holy Spirit ( see Romans ). You are going to have to take the first step though. This meant that I had to erase all porn from my hard disk. Lots of prayer is a must. If you have magazines, toss them. You will find that you are given strength with this action. Stay away from t.v. for a while. Read all of the New testament and you will find a communion with God that will amaze you.
Hang in there and let me know how it is going. I will pray for you.
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I too have the same problem; but I have seen the slow but sure victory over this sin. I'm married too. It's been a long time since I've gone near pornography. I'm still working on the `petty' aspects of sexual sin, esp. looking lustfully at women. (not really petty, but you get the point). Sexual addition works on you just like a chemical (drug) dependancy; and Christian counselling will treat it similarly to to drug addiction. In fact, I believe endorphins (sp?) are released in the brain during sexual stimulation. If you want, I can send you a free pamphlet on 'What to do when you know that you are hooked?' by Dr. J. Adams; or I can give you the address to order it for yourself from publisher. This booklet contains what you call 'sound, biblical advice' the subject.
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A few suggestions:
1. Everything that goes through your mind leaves an indent, a residue. this applies to everything, including pornography and the bible. Saturate yourself in the Word. Read it constantly. It has the power to renew your mind. Realise that porn is attractive, but is leaving your mind scarred.
2. Read the book of Proverbs every day. It talks much about sex sin, and gives the right view of it - including the end result.
3. Confess your problems to your wife. no need to tell her all the gory details - just tell her enough so she gets the idea. ask for her forgiveness. tell her you are trying to reform. get her to pray for you.become accountable to her - get her to ask you every so often "how are you going?" if your wife is not a Christian, substitute your pastor or a good reliable friend in the above.
4. Realise you're not alone. all of us males struggle with it.
5. Realise that God is holy, and will only accept into His Kingdom those who are holy too. Psalm 24:3-4
6. I have discovered in the past that when a sin has control over one part of me, the other part of me wants to give it up, if I pray sincerely to God and ask Him to help me, and I make a sincere effort as best as I can, that God is gracious and does what I can't do.
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I'm about the same age and situation as you, except I have two babies, and I also deal almost every day with this kind of sin. I've had a problem with it since I was seven or eight.
I don't really have any great words of wisdom for you, except to say that I don't think Ken Corbin's proposed solution is a very Godly one--whether it "worked" for him or not.
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I am 39, a husband and father, and I too have wrestled with these very same problems. Today I do not feel the need to use sex an pornography to find fulfillment and satisfaction. Believe me this was not always the case.
First of all, forgive yourself. I’ve been where you are. I went to counselling many years ago, and returned to counselling this year to continue my work on my relationship to pornography.
Jesus, I believe, wants us to be the best that we can be. If pornography is interfering with your life, then go seek help from a professional who will explore why and how pornography continues to be important to you. I discovered that I was abused by my siblings for ten years. I continued this destructive behavior on my own by reading pornography and going to strip bars. This was a way of degrading myself (e.g. only creeps do this stuff). I’m much more in control of what I do, and read. I read only what makes my stronger and better as a person. I live to serve Jesus and to serve the world, and to serve myself. (remember that last one, to love yourself)
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I have good news for you, nothing is impossible for God. Admit to Jesus that you have a problem, tell him that you have tried to give it up by yourself, then ask him to forgive you. Tell him that this is too hard for you to carry, and cast this burden over to Him. Ask Him to take the desire for these sinful things from you. you have to make up your mind, on how you will react, when temptation knocks on the door the next time. The sword of the Spirit is what I use, quote scripture. For example: Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world. Tell the Spirit of temptation to go back to hell, plead the blood of Jesus on yourself.
Praise God for the victory. You are more than a conquerer through Him that loves you.
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You've already taken one important step: admitting your weakness and asking others to help you. Try the following:
1) Does you wife know? You did not say. Hiding this from her ("keeping it in darkness") will not help. Pornography is especially a sin against the sexual purity of your committment to her.
2) Get a strong prayer partner to pray for you. Preferrably another man who would understand the temptation of pornography better than a woman.
3) Get someone to hold you accountable. This person would ask you at a regularly scheduled time (meet once a week?) whether you had sinned in that way at any time in the past week. This can (should?) be the same person as (2) above.
4) Recognize that you are weak in the flesh, and cannot possibly beat this without God's intervention. You have to rely totally on Him to win. Your own strength is inadequate.
5) Are you doing or being called to do some important work for God? (Being a parent can count for this...) If so, know that Satan may be attacking you with pornography stronger than ever to keep you from doing God's work. Knowing that this is the source can strengthen your resolve against it and your reliance on God for the help you need. I did not think I had a problem with pornography until I started doing an important work for God and have been severely tempted with it since then.
6) Recognize that pornography LIEs about sexuality, about humanity, about love, about true beauty, and about women. Lies are Satan's deceit to trap you.
7) RUN AWAY from any temptation that you encounter.
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I too have the problem you talk about. Suffice to say, there are no quick answers. For me, now 30, it started with abuse by my brother when I was around 10 years old. That got me started, and stopping has proved very difficult. I am beating it now with support from my wife and my Pastor.
For me the key has been admitting it is a problem to someone else - my pastor. He was great, he recognised that porn is a problem experienced by most men at some time people just don't admit to it! Having that acceptance made a real difference. I also started to work through the abuse question as well.
One of the biggest problems I have is the ready accesibility of porn via the internet. It appears when you least expect it, and just when you think you can deal with it - then you find you can't. Since this is a favourite one of Satan's tricks to convince us we are weak and unworthy of the love of Christ, the solution is to immediately confess it, and ask forgivness.
Realise that, whatever you do, God still loves you, salvation is by faith in Jesus Christ alone. Come before you father and say sorry HE WILL FORGIVE!
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I've found that `if I get mad then I lose.' That's the time I'm most vulnerable, especially when I'm mad at my wife. Also when I'm feeling sorry for myself I'm pretty vulnerable.
Also, I have in the back of my mind the idea that I have some kind of`right' to this kind of pleasure. If my wife's too tired or not in the mood or whatever, then I get the attitude that if I can't have it with her then I'll have it without her.
Also, for me it's largely a matter of habit. I start associating certain places or times of day or whatever with this. Recently it feels like God has given me some release. I have prayed alot over the years that God would help me in this area.
I think for one thing it's a matter of realizing that God intends that we come to grips with this. He won't zap us if we don't, and his grace IS sufficient. That has to be our operating principle, otherwise we'll beat ourselves over the head every time we stumble, and we'll think it's God that's doing the beating. On the other hand, realizing that we are secure in our relationship with God, we can see that we have the opportunity to really get squared away in this area of our lives, without any pressure and with only mercy awaiting us in our weakness.
Recently a verse from Romans really struck me. It says, For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace. (Rom. 6:14)
This is a weird verse. The idea here seems to be that the very fact that we're not condemned by the law is somehow helpful. I guess really the answer is to keep trying---I mean keep praying, keep bringing it before the Lord, and keep avoiding what you can. I guess also that we try in the belief that God will act---that he really intends for us to be pure and he'll do it. Anyway it's better to NOT be obsessed and enslaved. It really is.
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I've gone through something like this over 10 years of happily married life. I don't know how much of my experience applies to you, but it's worth providing.
For me, quitting cold turkey, asking God for help, feeling guilty and disgusted never really accomplished anything. Talking over what I was doing and how I felt with my wife was a big step. From her I got permission to accept what I was doing, as long as it didn't involve another real live woman. A couple years in therapy for other problems was also helpful. What I eventually found was that I harbored some deep resentment and anger toward women in general and my wife in particular. Feelings that were far too threatening to accept or acknowledge, much less express. Over a long time, I found I could get upset and angry with Joan, that she didn't freak out and our relationship didn't unravel when I did so. And when that happened, I found the desire for the illicit sexual diversions just disappeared.
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I, like yourself, am 28, married with one child, and I constantly fight with myself over the urge to view pornagrophy. Sometimes are better than others, but I have never been able to get rid of the desire. I wish I had better news for you, but I grew up in a non-christian
home where porn was accessable. And for as far back as I can remember, porn has shaped my desires to one extent or another. I really wish I could kick it, I've tried going *cold turkey* too, but not with any lasting success. And unfortunatly, the "net" is proving to be a daily battle for me, since the availability of porn photo's and text is so high. In fact I got out for awhile, but came back and told myself that I was strong enough to abstain... I was Wrong.
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I have had the same such problems since I was about 12, now I'm almost 20. My past keeps coming back to haunt me, and though I've deleted my pornography collection from my computer, and threw away all the disks I can remember, I still am tempted to glance at anything that happens to come my way and frequently give in. I pray on this often, and hope that the good Lord will guide me to a solution.
I have just come to terms with the fact that I am struggling with pornography addiction more severe than that of most. I never thought I had a problem because the pornography I viewed wasn't violent or abusive in nature by human standards; now I realize that pornography is abusive to the Lord's intentions on sexuality. But I'm weak, still.
Sometimes I get discouraged whenever the lustful thoughts and whatnot come up, but something that keeps me going is Galatians 5:23; the Holy Spirit will help me gain that self-control I so desire.
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What is Pornography?
That definition is clear. But arguments arise when it comes to determining what arouses sexual excitement and what does not. True, to a degree, what constitutes pornography is in the eye of the beholder. In other words, what is sexually stimulating to one person may not be to another. Nevertheless, a recent survey of 5,000 persons in Germany revealed that at some level, erotic material affects almost everyone, both men and women. Is the Arousing of Desires Wrong? Exciting a legitimate desire-of whatever nature-is unwise if there is no way of properly satisfying it. For example, if one of your favorite foods is unavailable, you will probably not feel content if you constantly stare at pictures of it in magazines or books.
On the other hand, if you-perhaps for health reasons-are not allowed to eat it, constantly preoccupying yourself with it will most likely lead to dangerous transgressions. Likewise, a smoker trying to kick the habit will not increase his chances of doing so by spending time longingly watching other people smoke.As regards sexual desires, from the Bible's viewpoint, happiness results from properly satisfying them within the bounds of a loving marriage. (1 Corinthians 7:2-5; Hebrews 13:4)
So how unwise for a single person to arouse desires that he cannot satisfy! This only leads to frustration or, even worse, to satisfying them by resorting to masturbation or fornication, thereby overstepping divine laws and principles.-1 Thessalonians 4:3-7. Does this mean that pornography is not dangerous if you are married? No, those Scriptural rules of conduct apply to married people too. Also, pornography appeals to selfish passions, pandering to the satisfying of personal desires, whereas love centers on satisfying the needs of one's mate. Pornography leads to inconsiderate and self-centered sex, which, even within the relationship of marriage, becomes demeaning and unloving.-1 Corinthians 13:5. Rather than strengthening marital love, pornography kills it by degrading it, distorting it.
Sexual relations as portrayed in pornography is fantasy of the worst kind because it communicates incorrect and harmful messages about marital intimacies. Besides, real-life relationships are much more than sexual; they are built on tenderness, humor, communication, and caring.
In contrast, pornography may even become a wedge between a married couple. Pornography reduces humans to the level of animals acting solely on instinct. It does not encourage self-control, a fruit of God's spirit. (Galatians 5:22, 23) It may pave the way for sexual perversions. These are but a few of the reasons why Christians shun pornography. The Bible's wise counsel, therefore, is: "Rejoice with the wife of your youth . . . Why should you, my son, be in an ecstasy with a strange woman or embrace [literally or vicariously by way of pornography] the bosom of a foreign woman?"-Proverbs 5:15-20. How, though, can a person avoid or break free from the grip of pornography?
How to Break Its Grip To counteract pornography's pull, the Bible counsels: "Deaden, therefore, your body members that are upon the earth as respects fornication, uncleanness, sexual appetite." (Colossians 3:5) Here, the word "deaden" vividly conveys the idea of striking dead-not simply suppressing-any body member that would be used in those vices.However, this must be understood in a metaphoric, not a physical, sense.
Christians are not to mutilate their bodies. If we decisively "kill" improper sexual thoughts, we will not yield to the lure of pornography, thus using our body members, such as the eyes, in a wrong way. (Compare Matthew 5:29, 30.) Thus, counsels the Bible, replace improper desires with "whatever things are righteous, whatever things are chaste," and then "continue considering these things."-Philippians 4:8. What else can help? Keeping in mind-perhaps even memorizing-Bible texts, such as the following:
"Make my eyes pass on from seeing what is worthless."-Psalm 119:37.
"Everything in the world-the desire of the flesh and the desire of the eyes does not originate with the Father, but originates with the world."-1 John 2:16.
"Each one is tried by being drawn out and enticed by his own desire. Then the desire, when it has become fertile, gives birth to sin; in turn, sin, when it has been accomplished, brings forth death."-James 1:14, 15.
Anything that can start a chain reaction ending in death can rightfully be termed dangerous, and pornography fits that description! Remember: "He who is sowing with a view to his flesh will reap corruption from his flesh, but he who is sowing with a view to the spirit will reap everlasting life from the spirit." Do not let pornography rob you of everlasting life!-Galatians 6:8.
Rather than strengthening marital love, pornography kills it by degrading it, distorting it
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You have a lot of courage to confess these kinds of problems to the internet world. I do not judge you. I had some struggles with porn for a couple of years, but I do not think that I became as addicted at you seem to be. One thought that helped me turn away from this stuff in times of tempation was the realization that porn is no minor sin. When we view and buy porn, we pay someone to rape women for our entertainment. I wouldn't always flee for myself, but I could flee for them.
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(1) Tell your pastor. Don't worry about the shame of confessing to him. [The shame will be much worse standing before a much higher authority in heaven if we do not deal with our sins presently]. He will be an ally. If he is a godly man he will be for you an accountability partner. Or if he is too busy himself he will find a person willing and able to be anaccountablility partner for you.
To tell the highest authority in your church your sin problem sort of commits you to action. Once he knows, you must be serious about pursuing purity, or else your pastor will initiate the process of church discipline against you [that is provided your church is healthy spiritually].
(2) On the weekends be sure to take a Sabbath day's rest in this sense. Make sure you experience vibrant joyous worship. Find a church that fits this prescription. The lusts of the world become dim in the light of exalted worship of the Lord. We need especially to stand in that light when we are weak. I am not a charasmatic (or maybe not yet...) but there is a charasmatic church in my area which is wonderful in this respect, which I attend for this very reason.
(3) How many of your close friends know? Tell them and they will be your allies if they are genuine friends.
(4) Once you confess and renounce your sexual sins know that you are completely forgiven. Sometimes we need the context of mature brothers to remind us we are forgiven.
(5) Once we renounce our sins, He will not leave us unprotected. He will give us strength and lead us to victory. However we must realize that we are responsible to agressively exercise the spiritual weapons that he has given us. For example, there is a verse in James which says "resist the devil and he will flee from you". Knowing this spiritual truth we are responsible to resist temptations the moment we sense them operating on us.
Buy a good book on spiritual warfare. I suggest Mark Bubeck's book: The Adversary. Also Neil Anderson's (Neal Andersen?) book: The Bondage Breaker. Read and apply it. The role of such a book is to condense the biblical teaching on spiritual warfare, and make it readily available.
(6) I'm sure you realize that it is the small compromises that lead to big ones. That watching TV with a lustful intent leads on to deeper and darker compromises. Therefore commit yourself to follow the absolute purity of Christ. Watch your thoughts and inward meditations. Immediately confess any compromise of thought. You may find lustful images arising spontaneously to your consciousness. Just as immediately praise the Lord for his victory and purity. Remember that it is not sin for the image to arise. It's holding onto it once it has arisen that is culpable.
Memorize that verse which says:
For we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of this world. On the contratry they have divine power to demolish stronghold. We demolish every argument and pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of Christ, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
(7) Be careful of analyzing your failures of the past. Unless you sense the Lord expressly guiding you to revisit a particular episode of the past it is best to let the dead works of the past lie in their grave. Revisiting them can be a fresh source of temptation and depression. Look ahead to new life that the Lord has established for you. You owe it not only to yourself, but much more to the Lord and his kingdom, to resist dwelling on the failures of the past.
Know that his power is immediately available to deliver you. He does not make such a universal promise to heal physical illnesses. But he has made such a bold universal promise to forgive and deliver from sin.
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I read your post and here is what I have to say that helped me(this doesn't mean that it will help you). Your writing gives me the impression that you haven't talked about that problem to anybody else(I mean a real person, not mailing). This is very important. I had a problem of the type your mentioned and what did I do? I went to a counselor whom I really trust and who is a real strong believer. I confessed my sins to him, and he forgave me in the name of Jesus. And as I went home, I noticed that I've been freed from a great sin. I mean that I didn't want to sin again in that area and didn't do it till today(which now makes 4,5 months at least). In spite of all this I still have some problems concerning sex and I'm still struggling. The confession of my sins have helped me a lot but it wasn't everything. You must know that being freed from a sin is a divine grace that oftens takes many time of fighting before you get it.
Another important thing: you mentioned that we should send you Bible verses that helped. The point is that as far as I believe it isn't one or another Bible verse that's gonna help you. What you need is an inner healing or being freed from this sin, which more possibly can have demonic components(that is demons that compell you to continually sin). I would greatly recommend you to visit a counselor, not only for this particular problem but for also monitoring you and helping you to stay on the right way. This is very important. As christians we need brothers and sisters who help us, we are not independent but INTERdependent.
I've read that you are struggling with the problem since you are fourteen years old. It would be very important to know what happened at that time and how it came you involved yourself with that sins(repression from your parents, experience of rejection etc Talk about that with your counselor.
I have friends who also deal with problems like yours. We talk a lot about it and pray together and go to christian conferences, but it still is there. It is a long way until you become totally healed or freed. Of course God is also able to help you instantly but he doesn't do it so often.
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You call it right when you call it addiction. I wish I had easy, fast answers to this "thorn in the flesh." I'm still in process as I discover the broken part of my life which lead to the addiction.
Know this - one of the weapons of the enemy in this battle we share is SHAME. It keeps the whole issue ( the "acting out, the ritualistic compulsions, the heart issues behind it all) in hiddenness (darkness). Coming to the Light in Jesus is the only answer. Unfortunately for our comfort level - forgiveness, repentance and healing (although freely provided through the finished work of Jesus) is not fully received by us if we remain hidden. I encourage you to find a "safe place" to come into the light. There's something about the authority and cleansing we can "mid-wife" to each other when we pronounce each other forgiven by the Blood of the Lamb.
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One of my friends has been having similar problems, and I have been doing my best to help him over the past few months.
I would go to your nearest christian bookshop and get a book called:"craving for Love", and also anything by Leanne Payne on the subject (she's written about 3) Sexual addiction is a condition which _is_ treatable : and you'll be glad to know that the best way is to go with God. From the books I have read while trying to help my friend, I have learned the following.
You can't just go "cold turkey" - because your sexual addiction is not _itself_ the problem, but a sypmtom of another problem. Not knowing you personally I cannot say what that problem will be, but usually in cases such as yours the root is in something very deep, and very hidden inside you. It could be something that happened between you and your father or mother, or an experience of some kind - but what ever it was it has caused a problem with your own self-identity - and your addiction is your natural effort to heal that wound - I say natural because you mustn't feel guilty about the fact that you need the wound to be healed!
What you must do though is change the way you are doing this - because it is obvious that after this has been going on for 14 years you are not being healed at all! and you wouldn't be - because its the wrong way to go about it.
What you need to do is, with a christian - possibly your pastor, or you may prefer to ask a friend - analyse yourself, prayerfully, and find out what wound has caused the gap in your life that will not heal, and then ask God to come and heal it. Truely, He is the only one who can really heal you - and the path to being healed is tough, and frightening - noone likes to see the truth about themselves - especially not if they also have to tell the truth to another person, and to God! - but that is what you MUST do.
With God's help, you can do it.
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There are no easy answers, there is no easy way out, there is no formula you can follow. I wish I could say it is easy to lick the habit, but it isn't. I have struggled on and off since I was thirteen. I am now also 28, but am not married. I have been relatively trouble-free for eight months now, being able to count on one hand the number of times I've slipped since the beginning of the year. It has been hard, but worth it. But even now I feel myself sinking back in. My thoughts are turning more toward the stuff and I know I must not let it get to me.
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I struggled with the same problem for a long time, going through the motions of get tempted; "ask" God for help, not really meaning it to ease my conscience; actually commit the sin; feel bad afterwards; say "sorry" whether I meant it or not. I was happy enough to live in bondage to this sin, after all I was a teenage male with no other sexual outlet and it seemed so "normal." Then, one day God scared the pants off me-he showed me what could happen if I didn't stop. That's not the end of the story. God lead me to talk/correspond with others in the same situation who were most helpful. Here's what I found out:
1. You cannot be helped unless you help yourself- if you do not really want to stop, you won't. I believe you are sincere.
2. You are not despicable for this. You are in bondage just as some others are in bondage to alchohol or drugs - you can be helped just the same. Remember, God has forgiven you, unconfessed sin may affect your relationship with him, though.
3. How to stop. "He is faithful and just and will cleanse us from all unrighteousness." If you ask Him to free you and mean it, he will do it.
4. It is not the end of the world if you fail. Failure just proves you are human (remember Peter's denial, then "Go, feed my sheep"). If you do fail, confess it to God.
5. Avoid the problem. For me it meant avoiding certain newsagents, tabloid newspapers, late night movies, and other similar stuff. If temptation comes, walk away. The Lord's prayer says "Lead us not into temptation" that doesn't give us a licence to walk into it ourselves. Martin Luther once said "the best way to exorcise the devil is to go and plough a field." Very true-you cannot watch a porno movie if you are doing something else requiring a lot of concentration.
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I hope some of this might be helpful... it's something I'm really battling with just now, so I can certainly understand what you're going through- so a few suggestions.
Tell your wife, if she doesn't already know. That is crucial, it might hurt at the time, but it will take a huge load off. One of the biggest problems I had was that no-one else knew, so it was really something satan could provoke me with, a secret that I felt guilty about.
Don't expect her to understand what a problem you are having with it-women are just different, but I expect you've realised that :-)
Seriously, I told my girlfriend, and for a few months (until September) she was the only other person who knew- she couldn't see why I had a problem with it and I ended up getting annoyed and feeling she was just being unsupportive.
Find someone else to be accountable to and pray with, a male friend if possible, for the above reason. Personally, I don't believe the act is sinful, but the addiction to it, and the thoughts which accompany it, are. I know the worst mistakes I ever made was when I bought some pornographic magazines, the images do stick.
It is vital to get rid of all the pornography you own, not just keep one little bit for memory's sake, and other temptations that might be there. This idea of "clearing out your house" (and your .newsrc if applicable) is apparently suggested in the Bible, but I forget the reference. It's all about putting sin in its place, I guess...
With 3 friends praying for me, I have just stopped for 25 days (and then started again, but I've accepted it's not going to be easy, so don't get downhearted!)
I've also found that I have to make a conscious effort to try to block out certain thoughts as they arise- it's tempting to imagine and dwell on the thoughts, but if you try to find something else to occupy your mind instead _at the start_ it is easier to beat them- really!
However, temptation wouldn't be tempting if it wasn't attractive, so it does take a real effort.
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Hello, I just became a Christian about two years ago, my sophomore of college. My sin was habitual masturbation.
It has troubled me since I was about 14, I guess. When I became a Christian I knew it was wrong and I was quite ashamed of my sin. In fact, I was ashamed of it and wanted to quit long before I became a Christian.
For the next year to year and a half I would spend a week or two, up to a month once, trying to resist. ( I was trying by my own power, of course.) Every time I failed I wanted to give up Christianity because I felt I could never live up to God's standards, that He must be ashamed or angry at me. At many times my depression left me suicidal too.
This summer I was praying as hard as I could at times, demanding that God would keep His promise to free me from the power of sin. I read a lot of books this summer, and one of them was Inner Healing by Mike Flynn (spelling?) and Greg (somebody?). One of the chapters talked about spiritual warfare, like the tactics of Satan against Christians and demon-possesion. I had never given any of this a bit of thought until I saw my problems described in this book. The ideas that God could hate us for our sins was just one of the many thoughts that Satan seemed to be putting into my mind. On top of that, a big symtom of demon-possession is compulsive sin (like mine.)
It was hard to believe that I was possessed by demons, but the Bible does confirm their existence. Anyway, the book went on to talk about how one could get rid of demons ( or actually how we ask Christ to do it for us). I followed the steps as I read them, almost desperately wanting to be free.
I have not masturbated since. It is not even a struggle to stop myself, I simple don't want to anymore. I do admit that I still have some lustful thoughts. I do not daydream about having sex with women anymore. I do not dwell on my lustful thoughts, either. There was no greater gift God could have given me at that time than my freedom. I still praise and thank God for what He has done.
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Shortly after getting onto the Internet I discovered that Porno garb was everywhere! Out of curiosity one day I took a peek- And what a mistake that was- within a short time I was addicted and I couldn't tear myself away. I felt horrible because I could not believe that someone such as I could have this kind of problem! I became quite depressed over it and I held a lot of fear. My fear came because of the things I know and believe to be true. And that is that, when lusting after a women you are committing adultery! And as I was in the very sin there was a saying that came to my mind, "He who sins against the greater light, receives the greater condemnation," and realizing this I became very afraid. I recall being so afraid that I actually trembled and I shook physically, my body became hot but still I felt unstoppable.
Being in my youth I feel unworthy to be in the presence of young women who are chaste and pure. Having seen things that I ought not to have, I feel that I have taken away the privacy of the young women around me.
I am a Christian and I firmly believe that all men are accountable for their own thoughts and actions. I have confessed to an authority in my church and I have been working hard to halt this dark temptation, instead of hiding it. Since I am in my youth I am not married- So I have talked about my problem with my mother, and she has been working with me to help me control this temptation.
Something else that has added to this is that when I was a child I was sexually- abused. This has been the cause of a lot of fatigue and difficulty. Brous'n around on the internet I have found some resources about the subject, but I am still looking for more. If you happen to know of any good links on the subject, tell me about it. I have not gone to any counseling for this yet and I would like to get the advice of a few people so that I know if I really *need* to go.
I am also interested in finding a way to ban the 'bad' stuff on the internet. I know that it's just about impossible but where there's a will there's a way!
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My own struggle with pornography began when I was 12 or 13 years old, and became worse after my father died when I was 13 and we were "allowed" to inherit his collection of pornography. When I went to college and discovered adult book stores, this struggle intensified, and becoming a Christian at 19 did not automatically solve the problem. I am now 29 years old, with two children, and I struggle as hard as ever with this issue. Recently, my wife committed herself to attending church with me at an Evangelical Free Church, which was a big step for my family. This has caused me to be accountable in a new way as the head of a household that is seeking after the Lord. I feel the closer I come to the Lord, and the more I do in the church, the more temptation I have felt for the pornography, and the new connection to Internet has been an added temptation as I explore areas of the Net where I don't belong! After I have read some of the other responses, I feel confirmed in what the Lord has been leading me to do, which is to talk to my Pastor and get hooked up with some kind of accountability....
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I am a single, born-again Christian, and although I struggled with pornography before I gave my life to Jesus Christ, I was not really tempted by it for about two years after my conversion. Then I discovered the net and somehow got drawn into it again. I was tempted by how easy it was to view and read pornography without anyone ever knowing. Over the past year I have almost become addicted to it. I realize it is wrong and feel like the biggest hypocrite, because everyone who knows me considers me to be a strong Christian. It leaves me with such an empty feeling to realize I am so fake, especially in the eyes of God who knows everything. I have never confessed to anyone what I have been doing in secret, but after reading your confession and the responses you have received I am going to take care of it as soon as possible.
I must tell you that I found your page while searching for more food for my lustful appetite. How refreshed I was to find this oasis of spiritually refreshing help. Hopefully this will be the catalyst I need to take action and overcome the devil.
Let's all pull together and pray for a revival of the Holy Spirit within our individual lives. Thanks again for allowing God to use you in his service!
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Well, first thing I had to admit to myself, that my sin was really adultery, pure and simple. I was lusting after women who were not my wife, and desiring to be one flesh with them. I had to stop making excuses and rationalizations, and first admit my sin, the depth of that sin, and that I could not free myself from it. Too often men seem to think lusting after other women in their heart to any degree is somehow acceptable, to God, or excusable because of some sad family history. Well, it is NOT, God says in I John 2, if we claim to know Him, and willfully disbobey Him we lie and the truth is not in us.
When I first admitted my sin of adultery, that started the process, next I had to repent of the actions, throw away the magazines, and start resisting the temptation to peek at them anymore, by staying away from where they were sold, even running from the temptation because my desire now was to please God whatever the cost to my ego, or self esteem. This resisting of temptation is a day by day process, and something that must be continued if you are really serious.
Jesus talks about that if your hand causes you to sin, cut it off, or if your eye, pluck it out, better to lose one of those then to continue to sin. Of course, that is not meant literally but to show the seriousness of the nature of sin, and how hard it may be to resist at times, He says elsewhere to flee temptation, well you are capable of doing that if you are serious in your repentance. True repentance from this sin, requires honesty, and effort to truly "turn away" from this sin. That is what repentance is. To show your repentance is real you must admit this sin to your wife, and ask for her forgiveness for your unfaithfulness to God and her all these years, and then ask for her prayers and help in resisting temptation in the future. Often the problem also continues to be a problem, because men have not truly repented of the sin of premarital sexual involvement, either with their spouse or other women they may have dated in the past. That involvement could be as much as intercourse or as little as a lustful look or thought towards someone not designed for them. Perhaps you are unaware about how seriously God thinks of the sin of adultery, study Ezekiel 16-24 to see how serious He thinks it is.
You must bring your wife into the equation because not only have you sinned against her, but because this type of sin thrives in secret, and openness about your difficulty to the one you love will help you to resist temptation in the future, as you falling again will not only be unfaithful to her, but betraying a trust she has in you, that the sin will stop.
If you are really serious about giving up this sin of adultery, unfaithfulness to God , and your wife, you may have to give up other things that play a role in feeding the temptations, and providing the shackles that bind you up in this. Are you willing to pay the price of giving up all these shackles that hold you back in your walk with God? If not, you can't claim to know God, as I John 1:6-10 clearly shows us. But, the promise is in verse 9 if you are serious.
The above stuff may sound harsh, but I know of what I speak, I had to go through most of that myself, in dealing with my sin of idolatry and adultery, unfaithfulness to God and even my wife (cause I did not even know her yet, when I was struggling through this). My wife had a past before she became a Christian, and I had a sinful past even as a Christian, so I could not judge her for her sin, even though I was still a literal virgin until our wedding night. I had to give up many things and idols to get away from my lustful desires and sins. Are you willing to do the same? If not, don't pretend to be a Christian, if you are not willing to give up what God asks of you, and be faithful to Him and your wife from now on. I John 1:6 condemns the hypocrite, I John 1:9 gives the promise of freedom from sin.
Which do you truly want? Get off your butt and decide, a nondecision is the same as a "No, I won't repent, I really want to keep doing it". Repent and be free from the bondage of pornography and the adultery that overlies it. I am sorry if all I share here is rather blunt, but it is necessary to be truthful and upfront, and call a "dog" a "dog", and Sin "Sin". Me and my wife will pray for you Tim. I know this problem can be conquered. Matt. 5:27-30, 7:17-27. Take our Lord's yoke upon you and He will give you rest, but first you must throw off all the shackles you have put on yourself.
In Christ's Love, I pray you will not be offended but understand, that I have been there and been freed from these things.
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I'm going to attempt to provide a slightly different slant on pornography. I believe it's too easy to refute a religious opposition to pornography, although for ME that is very important, all YOU have to do is say "I don't subscribe to that religion", and the arguement is dead. Let me try to introduce you to what I call the common sense arguement.
When I was 14 years old I was riding my bicycle across an open field on my way home from school and found a copy of a pornographic magazine. That discovery introduced me to masturbation and eventually fornication. The addiction has never left me, even into my marraige. If fact, marraige has amplified the problem many-fold. I am beginning to get the problem under control by using very drastic measures. For example, I voluntarily gave up my access to our bank account. I have no way to withdraw or spend money at all. That is extremely drastic, but it has worked, no money, no ability to participate in the "action". Surprisingly, when I know I can't go to the girly bars, or other places because of a lack of money, the desire is slowly diminishing. That brings me to a very important point, I believe the mind is an entity that needs food. Whatever you choose to feed the entity becomes the appetite. The mind begins to crave the food, and when suddenly it no longer has the ability to eat that type of food, it begins to look elsewhere for gratification.
Thought is the root of all action. Every premeditive murderer fed his mind with fantasies of the act first. Every rapist mulled over the act in his fantasies, and rapists are notorious for a huge appetite for pornography. If you can control your mind, you have true control over your life. Pornography is at the root of the following deviant actions: Rape, Sodomy, Adultery, Beastiality, Nechraphelia(sp?), and pedophelia. I challenge you to find one person who has participated in any of the above, that did not participate in pornography. To sum up the common sense arguement, if porn is the food the mind uses to become involved with so many deviant, twisted, behaviors, than why should I be a part of pornography? Would I have participated in the years of masturbation, and fornication if I had not participated in porn? NO! To those that would say, "well you never raped anyone, what you did wasn't that bad", I reply, my life has been cheated from me. I could have spent the last fifteen years doing much more productive, mind expanding activities, rather than being consumed with porn. Who knows what I could have become? Take control of your thought life through discipline and replacing the mind food with wholesome productive materials, and your life will change drastically for the better. It has no other option.
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I am with you. My addiction (boy, it hurts to even type that) started when I was 12, and my cousin and I discovered masturbation. Whenever we would get together, we would steal porn magazines from bookstores in the mall. It is kind of amazing how I had never stolen anything before...but since I was stealing pornography, which I knew was wrong to look at, the two double wrongs made it easier. Like a go-for-broke mentality.
I'm now 21, and I am broken.
I have discovered some truths, though.
1) It only gets easier to do. Looking at a 'soft' porn magazine when I was 14, I thought that I would _never_ see a movie about it. Seeing a 'soft' porn movie, I thought I would _never_ see a hard core one. Now after seeing hard core porn, I wonder if I'll ever have my innocence back. I wonder if the pictures I've seen will come crowding into my brain when I want to be alone with my wife. I am not married yet, but I have a girlfriend who _needs_ me to be a Godly man. I have purposed to get a handle on this sin before I consider marrying her.
2) The strength in accountability is NOT the feeling of guilt and dread about your next meeting: "I can't do this thing, because I will have to tell John about it next Tuesday." The strength is the encouragement you get FROM THE MEETING. Try it. Get together with another guy, and just honestly talk about it. After the meeting, survey your feelings, and you will find that sinning again is the furthest thing from your mind. You are on a high, and you have the strength to resist Satan's schemes, and your own flesh. BUT, the high doesn't last. You have to meet again _before_ you are weakened. If you keep this up, those times in between will become longer. You will built strength.
The same is true in our relationship with Christ. I get no help (a very little at best) from thinking "I will have to tell God about this later. He hates what I'm doing." A relationship isn't built on feelings of condemnation and guilt, on fear of reproach! It is built on love and trust. It is built on togetherness. Nurture the togetherness in your relationship with Christ. Be with Him as often as possible. Get with him _before_ you sin. It is much easier to be broken with Him when you don't have anything to be broken about. Sin, and you won't want anything to do with Him...it will take real effort to restore the relationship.
Sigh...all this from a hypocrite! I see it written down and wonder why I don't do what I say. I need as much help as you. God help us.
Let's a bunch of us get together and call or 'internet talk' or irc each other once a week on top of our normal accountability! Let's get serious about this!
Thank you for being so courageous. If I knew your name, I would pray for you. Heck, I'll pray anyway. God knows who you are!
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You have a son.
My father has a son. A few years ago, we got to talking...real heart to heart stuff, and my father admitted to me that he has a problem with porn too. What I am about to say may sound hypocritical, but it was what I was feeling... At that moment, when my father told me of his problem, in my heart I screamed at him, "I trusted you! How could you do this? I looked up to you, and you betrayed me!" In that moment, my father became human.
Now, my father always was human, but when a son is growing up, he thinks his Dad is the best guy in the world. I would sit and listen to everything my Dad said, and take it on faith that he was right. In a son's eyes, Dad is a picture of God.
My girlfriend and I are close. Someday, I'd like to marry her, but before I even think of it, I want this under control....no, I want this _dealt with_.
Confession for me isn't worth a whole lot if I don't really take some time and just sit and think about God. Put your mind on Him. He is real, he has a personallity, and sin effects Him. I heard on the radio the other day (listen to Christian radio...it helps), that the only time God is described as 'feeling pain, wishing he hadn't or had done something' is in his dealings with us humans, us sinful, stupid humans.
Think of it...A perfect, holy God has agreed to have anything to do with you on _ONE CONDITION_ Jesus Christ. He is the only thing standing between you and total annihilation. Jesus is far from feeble, true, but one thing is true...he won't make excuses for your sin. He won't plead with the father to 'let you off this time'. He knows the rules: Sin must be dealt with. It's a hard and fast rule, and he can't change it. He won't change or bend the rules, he will merely take the punishment for it.
Sigh, I know what you are going through. I rented a porno movie last Saturday, and the only thing that has kept me from giving up completely was finding your World Wide Web page. There are literally hundreds of other guys out there rooting for you, praying for you. I am one of them, Tim. But don't rely on us, heck, don't even rely on yourself. You just proved that you can't. Rely on Jesus Christ as your go-between and friend, and help. He can do it.
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It's funny how GOd leads us to HIM even when we don't know where HE is. I turned on my PC and dialled my Internet provider with some trepidation tonight. You see I too have struggled with pornography, lust, and chronic masturbation since my mid-teens and am also now twenty-eight years old. I was somewhat reluctant to dial-in tonight because I also have discovered and been felled by the ease of obtaining explicit pictures on the 'net. Though I've resisted and prayed not to give in, my failures have been both abundant and demoralizing. Of course, these cycles of sinnng and then asking for forgiveness and repentance take their toll on my spiritual life and each time I wonder if I am not already lost because of this addiction.
After avoiding the sex newsgroups with GOD's help and going straight to the Christianity WWW page I stumbled across the URL to your page. It's a blessing. See, I'd had the feeling that I was going to end up giving-in tonight.
Lately, at times when I'm feeling frustrated or upset, it seems so easy to just give up on myself and give-in to this lust. There's been a lot of frustration lately; I seem to be at the end of an eight-year long relationship with someone I loved deeply. It's easy for me to feel unworthy of love and salvation. In such times in the past I have become self destructive and I see the same symptoms here only played out in sexual self degradation. I don't pretend to know all the meanings this statement of Paul:
"Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.....know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost...." 1 Cor 6:18
but I do know now that my tendency to lust-porn-masturbation emanates from the same source as my self-destructiveness; a very visceral illumination of this verse. I don't know everything involved with the cause of my problem as such long-standing acts of humiliation and debasement tend to be so deeply rooted as to seem indistinguishable from one's very identity. What I do know is that this is the very epitome of enslavement and that it threatens to derail the work of salvation GOD is working within me.
What helps me?
1) The prayer of absolute powerlessness in which I beg GOD to remove this filthy lust from me. Only when I acknowledge my ABSOLUTE powerlessness and reliance on GOD's strength can I gain any victory. Remember, we are as human as was Paul who said regarding a "thorn" in his flesh,
"For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for My strength is made perfect in weakness...." 2 Chor 12:8,9
Only when I come to GOD, on my knees physically and spiritually, emotionally drained and defeated, and surrenderred do I gain strength for these battles.
In addition to asking for strength in prayer, this is our way of "refueling in mid-air". When sin so clouds and bespoils our character, the only way to cleanse it is to return to the Source of all Purity to have our selves changed into the likeness of CHRISTt: by beholding, we become changed. Think about this for awhile. By beholding GOD through prayer and the Bible we take on HIS characteristics. What do we take on as we spend the hours viewing behavior condemned by GOD directly. It's scary to think about his but when we place anything above GOD's revealed will we have created an idol for ourselves. An idol of our very own that we worship because it pleases us more than keeping GOD's commands does. Here's what Paul says about creature or idol worship,
"Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonor their own bodies between themselves: Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen....." Romans 1:21
You can read the remainder of the chapter as well. That whole discourse addresses the results of creature worship. As strange as it may sound I know that I've been worshipping women, GOD's creation, in place of obeying GOD.
2) Believe it when I read GOD's promises to freee me from my sin. Though I don't always feel it, I know that GOD can clean me up. HE's given me plenty of proof of HIS power before and I know that only my weak faith keeps HIM from overpowering the evil in my life. One of the verses that helps me keep in mind the fact that GOD is able and that the perfection of CHRIST's character within me is a process follows:
"Being confident of this very thing, that He which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ" Philemon 1:6
I know that GOD won't give up on me, I just pray that GOD helps me not to give up on HIM because of my own weakness. It's helpful to realize that we're not alone with this problem. David and Solomon both stumbled at this. We know how David killed a man for his wife and we know that Solomon indulged in such excesses that he lost sight of GOD and began wiorshipping his wives' and concubines' idols. I don't mention them to flatter myself of the company I keep, rather to highlight that GOD redeemed them when they turned to HIM.
3)Finally it now pleases me to say that I have been able to receive exhortation from others in a form of assembly here on your Web page. Thanks. I know that GOD helped me to find this tonight. This leads me to one last point. In seemingly small ways such as this discovery tonight, when we ask GOD for deliverance from sin HE ALWAYS gives us a way out. Sometimes we're not tuned in enough to see it and there are other times when we CHOOSE to sin. That's scary. The sin of grieving the HOLY SPIRIT isn't far behind such presumption.
Yes I hav doubts too, but GOD gives answers: Does GOD want to blot me out because I fail and sin against his temple, distort the blessings with which we are meant to partake in the creation of life, etc, etc?. GOD says, "...I have no pleasure in the death of him that dieth, saith the Lord GOD;wherefore turn yourselves and live ye." Ezek 18:25
But my soul is at war with HIM whom I cannot hope to defeat. What can I do?
GOD: "...who would set the briers and thorns against me in battle? I would go through them....Or let him take hold of my strength that he may make peace with me; and he shall make peace with me." Isa 27:4,5.
But what happens when I mess up ? We are born in sin and ensnared by it even when we don't want to take part in it. According to Paul," "....that which I do I allow not; for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I."
But thank GOD we are promised, "....if any man sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous: And He is the propitiation for our sins....1 John 2:1,2
I hadn't intended to write so much. I hope you get some edification from this. By looking up these passages and sharing them I've been strengthened. I was desperate for someone to talk to tonight and though it's only email GOD has helped me by having me share my struggle with you. Funny how the more you give, the more you get. GOD is the best. Please feel free to email me anytime. I'll have a Web site up soon and I will make sure to add lots of Christ-centered information. God Bless You and Maranatha!!!
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I read your web page on pornography addiction today and really appreciated it.
I am a 22 year old female, and my 23 year old boyfriend is addicted to pornography. The first time I knew about it was when I came across a big organized file of pictures saved on his computer. I was devastated and felt like I had been cheated on. When I confronted him about it he got angry that I had been *snooping* on his computer, but I feel like deep down he was probably embarrassed.
Finally he said the pictures weren't worth the trouble they caused our relationship and threw them all away, but that didn't matter because I knew he still looked at them, and that still hurt. When a guy looks at those kind of pictures, it makes women feel like they must be inadequate in some way. That is how I felt, despite the fact that my boyfriend told me how much he loved me and that the pictures didn't matter.
I graduated last spring form college and he still has a year left. He admitted to me that he has been looking at the pictures on the net this summer. We got into a big fight and I presented so many moral and intellectual reasonswhy looking at the pictures is wrong, but he refused to listen at first. Finally he admitted I was right and said he would give up the pictures. The problem is, yesterday he said that he has not been able to resist the temptation. After reading your page, I realized he is addicted and I don't know what to do because I don't want to be with someone who looks at those pictures.
He says that when I nag him it only makes him want to look at the pictures more becuause it reminds him of them. He thinks that if he ignores the problem it will go away, and that is how he wants to deal with it. I don't think that is healthy or that it will work! I told him about the page and he is going to read it.
I really don't understand why he feels the need to look at the pictures! I think that the pictures are really degrading towards all women in society. The naked body is private and personal, but these pictures send the message that it is a man's right to invade women's privacy for their own pleasure. It reduces women to objects and that causes all sorts of other problems in our society. Not to mention that the pornography industry sends the message that the only way a woman to make big money is by exploiting and selling her body, but that is only for the women who live up to society's strict standards of the beauty ideal! It makes me so angry.
I don't know what to do about my boyfriend. I don't want to be with someone who looks at pornography for his own selfish interests. But at the same time I want to try to support him. What if he can't get over it? I can't live with the kind of disrespect pornography represents.
What can I do? Ignoring the problem won't work and that is what he wants to do!
Answer:
I normally don't reply to the messages I receive simply because there are so many of them I would be doing it forever. But your message touched me in a unique way, perhaps because it's coming from the female perspective, and how it effects her in these relationships.
Let me just tell you a little about my story. For years pornography mastered my life and there seemed no hope of ever overcoming the desires. I constantly prayed that the Lord would take it from me, but now I realize that was the wrong prayer. Heres what I mean. If your boyfriend said to me, take this basketball away from me, that would mean I would have to wrestle him for it. The Lord doesn't want to wrestle with you to "take something from you". He wants you to give it to him freely. It wasn't until I gave the problem to him that I made progress.
The turning point in my life was the message I put on the internet almost a year ago now. The overwhelming response I got was indicative of how many Christian men struggle with this sin, and I AM NOT ALONE!! I have been porn free for going on my third month, and I know that doesn't sound like a long time to you, but when it was a daily thing, three months is a lifetime. I am free, and will remain free of this forever thanks to the Lord, and a close friend that I became accountable to, that struggled with the same thing.
You need to take heart and realize that the struggle your boyfriend is having has nothing to do with you. I'm sure that you are beautiful to him, and that he would sooner become a eunich to eliminate his sin, then to lose you. I've been there, I've been married for over four years, three years and 10 months of which I was addicted to porn(fourteen years all together). I loved my wife more than life itself, and never did I partake in pornography because of a lack of physical attraction to my wife. It is very much like a drug. Here are the steps I used to free myself from this:
1. I realized I was not alone.
2. I changed my prayer from "take this from me", to "I give this to you, Lord".
3. I became accountable to a close christian male friend. VERY IMPORTANT!!!!!
4. I viewed it as a matter of winning and losing, I became tired of losing.
5. I begged my wife to pray for me and support me.
6. I stopped masturbating, and used a calender to mark the days as they went by.
Let me tell you from the bottom of my heart, if you remain supportive in prayer and emotions to your boyfriend, the relationship you will have when he does win this battle will be deeper and more valuable then you will have ever experienced in your entire life. I know it's difficult now, and perhaps even hard on your self-worth, but I pray you will perservere and realize the reward you will recieve at the end.
God Bless you...
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I am the wife of a husband that led me into pornography. I remember crying at the first movie he took me to, after that, I thought it was my "wifely duty" to do all he wanted me to do. Because of my own desire to please and be accepted, I used my body to get both of these needs met. With my response of "yes" to my husband, I realize what I thought was love and being submissive, was not. This addiction destroyed so many blessings for us. Both of us committed adultery, which is often times a by product of pornography. Crazy as this may seem, my reasoning was, I wanted to have another child.
We had a 5 year old son, but, feeling totally unloved, I needed to be loved as well as express love, and this is how I thought I could get these needs met. My energy to continue in the pornographic actions my husband thought he need was gone. My plan was to go to another man, receive some type of love and acceptance from this person, and get "energized" to go back into doing the pornographic acts for my husband. This was my choice...and, I don't have to tell you how foolish it was. I actually told my husband what I was doing, maybe to rationalize and ease my own guilt. He was pretty much oblivious to what I was saying.
Soon this other man was expecting me to do the same things to him as my husband. Tired of the whole foolish experience, I wanted to end what was going on. I won't even merit what I was involved in as a "relationship" because it wasn't. The other man was not ready to end this, I continued and soon became dependent on him. THEN he ended the game. I was devastated. My husband overheard a conversation on the phone we were having, and he was furious. You can only imagine what went on. This all happened within three months. I went back to my husband, performed how he wanted me to and became pregnant with our second son.
I know this may sound really cruel, but, one day...after feeling so repulsed by my own self and actions, I just refused to go through with anymore of the garbage. Being pregnant did not lend itself to the perversion...I was carrying a sweet, innocent child and I began to want something better for him as well as my five year old. After his birth, I came home to find a porno magazine hidden under our mattress. This really hurt me. The years following were the worst in my whole life. I had no energy or appetite for pornography. Any energy for life came from being involved and raising our two sons. But, as they got older...this energy began to wane. I found myself in the same place as before, wanting to be loved and accepted and please someone, but, not through pornography.
My life was filled with "religious stuff." Reading the Bible, going to Mass, confession, praying the rosary, teaching CCD...on and on it went. I went from one end of the spectrum...sin, to the other end...self-righteous. Both were ways I chose to run and escape from what I really needed. Being tempted again to get into adultery...I just took a good look at myself. I couldn't go back to that again, and, yet, I couldn't go forward, getting into all the self righteous doing, either. Both were sapping my energy to live, actually I felt like I was dying, but, not from a medical disease. I was dying from a spiritual disease. All I did was cry and complain.
My husband and I were going to a Catholic marriage counselor allot of things were being brought out into the open, but, still something was missing. It was spring and I was doing the usual yearly cleaning in the house with the radio on. It was on a station I was tired of hearing so I flipped from AM to FM...little did I know, this was a Christian station. Day after day for hours I heard about God sending His Son, Jesus Christ to us and His blood, shed on the cross, paid the full price for our sin. I had been to confession over and over and walked out feeling better, but nothing really made a difference.
It was like doing the same thing over and over, without any reason, just doing it and feeling a bit relieved, but, still having the same problem without any alternative. When I heard this message coming from the radio, my ears were attracted to it, my heart wanted to hear the message. What was being said was that Someone loved me so much, they gave their life for me so God the Father could base my forgiveness on what HE, Jesus Christ did, and not on my own self effort, which I was getting exhausted doing. Then, one of the speakers said, "If you've never trusted Christ before, do it today." For the first time in my life, I heard truth that really made sense.
One night, I knelt by my bedside and I told God, "I'm laying all my cards on the table, Lord. I don't understand everything that I am hearing, but, I trust Your Son, Jesus Christ, for the forgiveness of my sin and I ask Him to come into my heart." Something happened within me...like a book that has two stories in it...one starting from the front to the back and the other starting from the back to the front. I felt like God, the Lord Jesus Christ, picked that book up, turned it over, and started a whole new life for me. He spoke to my heart and said that everything was going to be okay.
My husband thought I was crazy, he still does. We are not of the same belief. Since this moment with Christ, I tried to explain to my husband what I was being shown, but, he thinks it's some kind of game or trap. So many times I've lost my patience with him, especially when our sons began their teenage years because he wanted them to learn about sex the way he did, I guess to have them on "his side." The Lord has given me so much energy and strength...especially to speak boldly to my sons about my past and explain to them, through Jesus Christ, I was saved out of the darkness.
We are no longer apart of the Roman Catholic religion and I am no longer escaping through self-rigteousness because the righteousness of the Lord lives in me through the gift of God, grace, through faith, and the HOly Spirit is guiding me into God's truth, the Scriptures and reminding me of His Word and giving me the power and strength to let His Word in me grow and bloom and bear fruit, translated out into my life to give Him the true honor and praise and worship He alone is worthy. He has taught me about marriage and intimacy and children and family. In a sense, He is marriage...He is the oneness and intimacy mankind, through Jesus Christ has with God the Father. Our marriages on earth are to reflect this as a symbol and a reminder to us, of Christ and His love and oneness with us.
This oneness bears fruit...the fruit of children and the fruit of joy to be one with Christ being our common bond and God the Father accepting and loving us both because of the bloodshed of His Son, Jesus Christ, and His resurrection gift of the Holy Spirit. We, who are in Christ don't need outward stimuli to excite us and turn us on anymore. We are new creatures, bought with a price paid by our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, the Son of God. God accepts us and loves us because of Christ and this joy is made complete when we accept Him and bond together with others who believe.
This bonding between husband and wife is the symbol of Christ's love for His Bride, the church as written in Malachi 2:15 and Ephesians 5:21-30. These verses are the pictures that we have now that excite us to be together in intimacy with our spouses, the old ones of pornography are long gone...as the Lord God tells us..."as far as the east is from the west." These new pictures Jesus Christ bought for us with His life and we are blessed when we have oneness with husband and wife when our energy and motives of the heart He has cleaned comes from these pure and holy pictures. My husband says I am crazy. He says, "No man can get excited to be one with his wife based only on that." He tries to tells his sons I am crazy (please pray for us) but, I know...these are the pictures of God's will for us, and are to be what brings us together as husband and wife...in spirit and in flesh.
I know this is lengthy...but, as I began to share and remember, I could not stop. God is to be praised, worshiped and glorified for He truly loves us. Sometimes it is hard for me to remember this, especially knowing now what He has shown me and not having my husband willing to surrender to Him. This hurts so much...but, I would rather know the LOrd then not, for He truly is our God, and Father, King, Messiah, Ruler...and for His Bride, He is her Husband...who she waits for, to return.
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I read your home page about struggling with pornography. I too struggle with this problem. I have found help with in an organization call Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. SLAA is modeled on Alcholics Anonymous. It is a place to share experiences with other people in a safe environment.
SLAA promotes the practice of a 12 step program of recovery. It helps its members to recognize their behaviors and the reasons behind why they act out these bahaviors. SLAA also help us to change the patterns of our lives through connecting with people and seeking a spiritual relationship with a higher power.
I had twenty years of using pornography and other related behaviors. I tried stopping time and time again. Everyone with this addiction has. SLAA and recovery changed my life. I can't say its perfect but I am in more control of my life and feel better about myself than I have in years.
To find a meeting in your area call the SLAA national office at 617-332-1845. They may answer "Augustine Fellowship." Just ask for a list of SLAA meetings near you. There are also other recovery organizations for sex addiction. Sex Addicts Anonymous and Sexaholics Anonymous are two others to look into.
I know how frightening attending your first meeting can be. But you will find people that understand you and your struggle and are willing to help.
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I am 31 years old and have a beautiful four month old daughter. Where I come from, pornography is not legally available, but you can get your hands on the stuff if you really want to, and know where to go. That makes it a bit easier to resist temptation than in America, but not much so.
You don't really need pornography to lust in your heart after women. Looking at advertisments or even women in the streets can be a problem, if your heart is not right before God, and you have not been convicted of your sin and determined that you would obey God rather than your evil desires. It does not take much to mentally undress someone whom you have lusted after in your heart. Who needs pornography?
I have struggled with this sin for a long time, way before I got married. In fact, I once asked my wife (before we were married) to watch a pornographic movie with me. She did not much like it. I have long since gotten rid of my videotapes, thanks to the grace of God. We did have premarital sex, and I had sex once with a prostitute when I was 18, but we have sought God's forgiveness with tears and he has graciously forgiven us. He has blessed us tremendously despite our sins against him. It is encouraging to know that men (and women) all over the world are struggling against sexual sin, and some are encountering victory.
I've stopped procuring pornography through the net, by the grace of God. I never could look my baby daughter in the eyes after I had just done so, and I think of how I would react if I found her submitting to the acts which I submit women to in my fantasies. God gently points out to me how great my hypocrisy is, and once I was overwhelmed with a great fear of the Lord in the Biblical sense of the word (Heb 10:26). There was a point where I was ready to give up my Internet account just to avoid having access to pornography and titillating descriptions of prostitution, but I admit I may still have to do so.
Thanks to your article, I confessed my sin (of downloading pornography) to my wife, and she has forgiven me. I have also asked her to be the person I have to be accountable to. I have not yet gathered the courage to ask a male Christian friend for support and help.
How to stop? I've come to realize recently the difference between justification and sanctification. Justification is when Jesus Christ has already forgiven you of your sins and you are made righteous before God, as though you had never sinned. Sanctification is that process of making us holy as God is, and is the work of the Holy Spirit, although it requires our participation as well. And how are we sanctified? Through the word of God. It struck me with full force one day - we can use the scriptures to counter the attacks of Satan, just as Jesus did. We just need to repeat them to ourselves that much more often.
What verses help? For me, Job 31:1 - "I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl". Also 1 Peter 2:11 - "Beloved, I bessech you as aliens and exiles to abstain from passions of the flesh that wage war against your soul." There are&127 many more, but you get the idea.
I don't know how Biblical this is, but I think the struggle against sin itself pleases God, because he knows we are putting him first. As a preacher once said, there are opportunities that occur only on this side of heaven, and to deny ourselves in order to please God is one of them.
Yes, I still fall quite frequently. I have experienced periods of victory now and then, and I praise God for those times. I still lead myself into bondage now and again, but I trust God that he is still working in me and in the hope of his glory that shall be revealed in me one day.
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My addiction to pornography started when I was about 12. My friend showed me some magazines his father had, and soon I was searching for graphic pictures all over the place--in movies, in magazines, and especially on some local BBS's. Now, at 18, the temptation is worse than ever, although I believe that with God's help I can resist it.
Over the years, my relationship with God has been...well, not as good as I would have hoped. I now believe that my distance from Him and my lack of spiritual growth is a direct result of pornography. But within the last year and a half, God has really been working in me to help me with my problem. Let me illustrate:
I have known the destructive power of pornography since its onset in my life. Because of that knowledge, I have always hated myself for what I do. I have repeatedly asked God to help me, and he has and he is. The first answer to my prayer came after I had earnestly prayed for help. The following day (this was more than a year ago), my roomate discovered my "addiction." Needless to say, pornography was absent from my life for the duration of that roomate's stay. Well, unfortunately, the temptation was too great for me when I had no accountability, so I fell into the trap again. Despite that, I really felt after that incident that God was answering my prayers and was willing to help me.
The year following was full of failure for me. I had returned to my obsession, craving pictures and sexual gratification every day. It seemed during that period in my life that the whole of my thoughts were devoted to this addiction. It was depressing to think of all the positive things I could have done instead of spending the hours in my room. Following each "session" with pornography, I would become increasingly depressed, feeling that I could never pull myself out of the rut I was in. Now, I know just how depressing that thought is, because there was no way I could do it with that mentality. I needed my God's help; *I* could not pull myself out. With each passing day, my depression deepened, and my hope diminished, until finally I declared that "I can NOT break the habit, therefore I will accept it as part of my life." What a powerful, destructive force is Satan.
My depression was aggravated when I thought about myself--almost a third of my 17 years were a waste due to my reliance on pornography. And I say reliance because, for me, pornography was a way to a fill a void in my life--my lack of self confidence. After this self-examination, I again attempted to break the cycle, this time unconsciously. I realized that I could not accept such a dark, sinful part of my life as the norm. In my desperation, I allowed my father to discover the pornography on my computer. His discussion with me sparked a new hope in my life. He told me that what I experienced he also experienced, and that it was a life-long addiction, a spiritual battle of the bloodiest sort. He prayed for me.
The next week in church, his prayers began to develop into a plan devised by God. At my Christian Education class, we watched a movie on the destructive and drug-like characteristics of porn, and it struck home. Since then (about 3 months ago), I have fallen once again. I had just graduated from high school and thought that it would be much easier to "do it myself" than to rely on God. I had the mistaken idea that a roomate was the answer--there would be no privacy, hence no pornography. Wrong again.
It was at this time, acutally yesterday, that I discovered your page (while searching for pornography). It was so encouraging to read all the messages and find that others care about me so much. I'm not one to cry often, but after reading all the messages, I was bawling. The messages were so emphatic in stressing the importance of accountability, and I had none. After reading the page, I prayed again, this time that I could not solve the problem myself, and that I needed Him. I also prayed that I would have the courage to tell a peer my problem.
That night, God performed a miracle. I went to the Campus Crusade meeting here at Cornell, and God directly answered my prayer. The message yesterday evening was on truth, and the need to repent in order to find God's grace. It applied directly. Afterwards, the leader suggested that anyone who feels the need to confess a sin do so, in front of the 150 person, co-ed group. I cried when the people began confessing all the things that were so close to me--lust and pornography. I confessed my sins to a group of about 6 other men who are now going to help me fight this addiction. PRAISE GOD!
I am free today for the first time. God has empowered me in this battle. I know it will not be easy, but God is on my side. His words are my weapons: "Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." James 4:7. I really believe that the answer to this devestating sin is to humble (submit) yourself before God. Put the problem on his shoulders; you CAN'T battle the devil alone.
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I have had a similar problem for a long time. I was always of the opinion that the people you see in the pictures and videos have the choice to take their clothes off, etc. When my girlfriend found magazines and videos, she broke things off for a year and even longer (forever) if I don't change some things. I had lied to her the whole time even when she asked specific questions about my past. I knew how she would react, yet I did nothing until confronted.
I got rid of EVERYTHING that could be considered pornography. I found it easy to get rid of EVERYTHING because I know it is wrong and she is MUCH MORE IMPORTANT to me than the magazines and videos. The other night we were talking on the phone and she told me some of the reasons why she reacts so strongly to pornography. I'd like to share these since I haven't seen many reasons to this effect.
[1] Most people have heard of the movie Deep Throat. Linda Lovelace was FORCED to do what she did in the movie because someone had a knife just off camera and threatened to kill her if she didn't do what they asked. After the movie had come out, the number of rapes skyrocketed and many of the victims said that the rapist tried to force himself down their throat just like in Deep Throat.
[2] There is a growing market for pornography called snuff. What this involves is RAPING and then KILLING women after they climax. Not only is the RAPE videotaped, but so is the MURDER. For some people out there, the MURDER is the ultimate climax. People are buying this kind of stuff.
When she told me about these instances, I got sick to my stomach. Now when I look at women, I don't have erotic thoughts of them, just fear that they might someday be the victim of someone who is addicted to pornography. Even magazines like Playboy lead people into more violent forms of pornography. They show women with garden hoses which obviously is a reference to a penis. I don't believe that Playboy mistreats or forces women in their magazine to take their clothes off.
For me it comes down to whether I want to support an industry in which FEAR, RAPE, and MURDER are common practice against women. You may not believe that Playboy is pornography but the lines are not clear and I want nothing to do with anything that treats women as objects. Women are people with feelings, thoughts, dreams, and deserving of respect just like men. All the time I was into pornography I looked at them as if they were objects. They are so much more. A woman brought you into this world. I started off just looking at Playboy but that progressed to Penthouse and XXX videos.
Looking back now, it is very painful for me to think of how I
looked at women. It reduces love to sex and selfishness. Respect
women AND yourself by forgiving yourself and people who may have
hurt you. Then get rid of EVERYTHING and keep yourself far away
from trouble. Also, keeping yourself busy helps. Good luck :->
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Thank you for your courage in starting this link and for posting the responses. My experience with pornography began in elementary school when a friend showed me some pornographic images.
I have never bought any pornographic magazines or videos. Yet this material is readily available on the net and in hotel rooms. Hotel room previews are an especially bad temptation for me on business trips when I am away from my friends and relatives in the privacy of that room. After submitting to the tempatation several times, I began to call ahead and ask the hotel to remove the television from the room prior to my arrival. They all refused.
Then I decided that this game was deadly enough for me to take the lesser of two evils: I decided to disable the television as soon as I arrived. I did this by cutting the signal cable with a wire cutter. No hotel ever confronted me with my vandalism. I guess they couldn't imagine why a customer would do such a thing and thought it might have been caused by furniture moving or something like that.
Finally, I designed a plug lock that was made simply from a piece of PVC tubing and two end caps and a bicycle lock. I cut a slit into the tube beginning at one end and running along the tube for several inches but not all the way to the other end. I glued one of the caps to the end with no slit. The other cap I slid on the other end of the tube and then drilled a hole through the cap and tube. Now when I go to a hotel, I slide the plug into the tube, pull the cord into the slit, slide on the cap that has a hole, thread my bicycle lock through the hole and close the lock.
Now the TV can't be plugged in because the plug is locked into the tube. I take the lock key to the front desk and ask them to put it in the safe. This puts enough distance between me and the temptation for me to be able to handle it by prayer and reliance on the Lord. I would have to decide to watch the porn, walk down to the lobby, ask for the key, come back to the room, unlock the plug, plug it in and turn it on. This is a whole lot easier to resist than just walking over and turning it on.
I have also decided that now whenever I go on a business trip, I will insist on a room without a TV or I will threaten to stay at a different hotel. If every hotel in town refuses my offer, I still have my TV lock to help resist the temptation.
But perhaps if enough men would ask for a non-TV room, the hotels would begin to respond. And if enough men would complain about the pornography that is available in the hotel rooms, the hotels might begin to eliminate it. I wonder how lucrative it is for the hotels.
And lastly, let me express here how fearful I am for my 10 year old son. Thus far he has been shielded from this stuff. The only TV we ever watch is when I bring home a video. He attends a private Christian school so his peers are less likely to bring porn to the classroom. Eventually, he'll be exposed to it however. I should probably talk to him about it so he'll be prepared for it and know what it is. I don't know exactly what I'll say to him yet.
Somewhere in the Bible there is mention of the way we change when we are exposed to sin. Physically, the brain is like the neural net computers that I work with in my laboratory. They can be "trained" to respond in a certain way. Constant exposure to a certain set of data will cause them to react predictably in the future even though no programming has been done. The mind is like the chain link fence behind a catcher - it will be deformed with a depression where ball after ball has stricken it. So too, when image after image strikes the brain, we begin to respond to those images automatically. Tied in with our emotions and pleasure sensors, these tendancies become very, very strong.
Yet in Romans, Paul says, "Be transformed by the renewing of your minds." Somehow, I have to believe that the answer lies in this renewing of our minds, the reforming of that deformed chain link fence. That in essence is what many of the previous responders have said.
I love you guys who are struggling. I am too. God bless you as you find victory in Christ.
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Please let me know what you think of this page
Here is another courageous man's home page stand on the same subject.